Saturday, 18 June 2011

What I believe

Things to remember begins with things being ready. where something winds up should not be a given, should not be thrown hop-skipp-hop into the waves and deny all responsibility. Obviously we are responsible!

How does memory come into this? Memory must be the model for it all, in terms of an imperfect-perfection, outside of power. How do things mutate? 
My memory is getting worse to the point that I'm thinking about going back to the doctor again. I know working memory is about 20 to 25 seconds but the rate I read at i can barely hold a sentence together. I write notes everywhere. 

We think of the past as stable, rather, we use the past as a stabiliser. "This is what we have done before". However, it must now have filtered through to even our most general public conciousness that the past is not stable at all. Not remotely. So does my memory problem really mean anything? I start form the bottom of the pile and the top of the page every morning. I'm as dumb as the day. But who isn't because surely to trust what you remember is just as ill advised because fairly unlikely to be true today.

So I wake up each day on the ground. I don't wake up on the first step of the third or the ninth. I wake up on the ground and start again. but its fine because the steps are different anyway and who am I kidding thinking they might not have changed might have left it all the same today.

Some things I remember pretty well. On Friday the 13th of May 2011 I jumped a red light coming onto Stoke Newington High street at about 08:30 and got caught in a police trap. I got given a spot fine and the policeman complimented me on my bicycle and all I kept looking at were his MET cycling gloves and thinking how much I needed to new pair since leaving mine on my bike in Ramsgate last summer and how the police ones were probably very well made yet they looked so simple and maybe I could get a pair.

I am an awful musician. I can't hardly remember what's coming next in a song and it takes all my concentration to keep it all lined up ahead of me that I respond to what's actually happening in that particular moment purely through instinct. I'm better when I'm drunk and I'm better on stage. I think. If there was just now then I'd be fine. but I'd have to know there was just now.

My day to day generally involves just the now part though, so most of the week I'm ok, I just get on with it. Yesterday I sat with a student for about 20 minutes and she rolled about the tiny balls of clay that I was making and we both made karate noises. I didn't plan for that to happen, its just the way things worked out. The aim was simply to both be focused on the same thing and in that the activity was a total success and I'm really proud of how it worked out. Surely it means a lot to be unquestionably in a dialogue with someone who can't speak a single word and has a sign vocabulary of about two. However It means a lot more that the dialogue itself is beyond translation into anything, it's utterly resistant because it's far too complicated, that's a useful state to be able to get into.

 I'm responsible for where I wake up. I got here somehow. There is no void-grid space in which no one reigns and there is no government and its just blank. I used to think there was, in the pages of a book, on a picture plain but that is surely absurd, you can't stand anything on nothing, even philosophy.

Read fiction for a while and listen to Minutemen.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

We don't need to bail out the boat, it's sitting as high in the water as we need it to.

There are an awful lot of things you could do with the power from a bicycle.

I made a lot of stuff that looked like parts of buildings, I've got pretty good at digging with an azada as well, I obsess on the rotary motion.

There is a clicking noises coming from my bike but I can't manage to work out the reason or the cure.

Sometimes even the best design looses track of itself and drifts into Sunday afternoon.

I want to write a story but its all just colour and texture, I can't handle the sequentiality of narrative, it should all be there at the same time. the best I can do is camera instructions, to pan through the object on a huge all terrain dolly.

I really like food and animals the most.